Kofi Kingston Impresses in Battle Royal by Jumping a Shark

The series of impressive athletic feats in Battle Royal matches by wrestling superstar Kofi Kingston continued in Tampa, Florida this evening during the WWE pay-per-view event Battleground. Kingston, after being thrown over the top rope in the Battle Royal match, avoided elimination by jumping clean over a shark.

The match, contested under over-the-top-rope elimination rules, require a wrestler to be thrown over the top rope to suffer an elimination, and both feet must touch the floor. Kingston has avoided elimination a myriad of different ways in matches like these, none as creative as this evening.

"It was getting harder and harder to figure out stuff to do," said Kingston when approached for comment. "One time I landed on a chair. That was cool. This other time I did a flippy move onto the steps. I know, right? Pretty creative. It seemed like there wasn't much else until it hit me, I simply had to jump a shark."

As of press time, rumours that Kofi Kingston's music began playing because he banged a jukebox remain unconfirmed.

41-Year Old Man Finally Gets Why Undertaker's Manager Was Named Paul Bearer

The wrestling world made a little more sense today for one fan, as it finally clicked why the Undertaker's former manager was named Paul Bearer.

The fan, who would like to remain anonymous, finally worked it out whilst watching Raw on Monday night, when it was announced that the legendary manager would be the latest addition to the WWE Hall of Fame.

"Oh shit, because of pallbearers!" the 41-year old fan dramatically exclaimed during the show, right at the moment when his brain made the connection. "Ha ha! Of course!" he added, tickled that Bearer, real name Bill Moody, could still entertain fans even after his death last March.

"That's, like, really cool. I can't believe I never got that before" he continued, before excitedly visiting the roster page on wwe.com to look for any other funny wrestler names that may have gone unnoticed.

All WWE Network References to Chris Benoit to be Edited to Chris Benoi-aaaaaaah!

WWE, after launching the industry-changing new WWE Network, has today addressed issues regarding the censorship of wrestler Chris Benoit.

Customers are said to be unhappy with the relatively light censorship the network currently has in place – a warning before all shows he appears in – though want something less extreme than phasing him out all together.

In a compromise, the WWE Network will now air slightly edited footage, where any occurrence of the wrestler will be replaced with Chris Benoi-aaaaaaah!

Michael Cole, WWE's lead announcer, had this to say: "It was always going to be a trying time going back and rerecording the commentary for all those matches, but it turned out pretty seamless in the end." Never missing an opportunity, he added "I guess it goes to show, with technology these days, you can do anything, like take the WWE App for instance, it's now possible to…" before being cut off for some reason.

It can also now be confirmed that the edit will occur each time a commentator utters Benoit's name out loud, each textual reference to Benoit's name – such as on-screen graphics or text of any kind – or any time a small child boy is shown on screen.

The WWE is also planning a similar edit, replacing all pre-July 2001 images of Stephanie McMahon.

Breaking: Royal Rumble Turns Heel

In an unprecedented turn of events, WWE's annual January pay-per-view 'Royal Rumble' turned heel tonight in front of a packed crowd in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, WCN has learned.

The pay-per-view has been a long-standing favourite with wrestling fans since it's debut in 1988, but tonight's actions have shocked fans around the world. "I can't believe the pay-per-view would do this to us", said one fan. "I've cheered the Rumble year after year, but I can't help but boo it tonight."

The shocking turn came at the end of the night, when the 30th Royal Rumble match participant ended up being Rey Mysterio and not Daniel Bryan, as the WWE had been writing towards for months. After a brief few seconds of silence, the crowd began to boo as they realised that they simply no longer cared about their former friend.

"I feel like Marty Jannetty, and the Royal Rumble has just super kicked me right in the chin", said our source, before fittingly launching himself through a glass window.

Ryback's New "The Fly" Gimmick Tarnished by "Goldblum" Chants

After enjoying a fruitful first couple of weeks with his new gimmick, WWE superstar Ryback is set to abandon yet another persona due to crowd chants.

"I just don't know what to do anymore," the 291lb superstar told sources today. "First I do a character who wins match after match and I get stuck with a "Goldberg" chant, and now this?"

He is refering to the fans of the WWE who insisted on chanting the name of former WCW wrestler Goldberg, pointing out the fact that both characters began their career with a winning streak. Now, the same fans chant "Goldblum" whenever Ryback goes in to his signature persona, based on the 1986 movie, "The Fly".

"Every time i crouch down and do the whole fly twitching schtick, they chant 'Goldblum' at me. It's baffling." said Ryback, "I don't know what these people want from me." Ryback then stated that his next gimmick might have to be a singer going undercover as a nun. "I mean, what can they chant about that?" he added.

Vince McMahon Haunted by Ghost Of Christmas Past, Ghost of Christmas Present, Ghost of Chris Benoit

Vince McMahon, Chairman and CEO of WWE, has had a rude awakening this holiday season, after being shown the error of his ways by three ghosts, WCN has heard.

Sources close to McMahon have reported hearing noises coming from his home in Greenwich, Connecticut that sounded pretty much like the noises that he would make if he were to be awoken suddenly from his sleep, presumably panting and covered in sweat. It is thought he was then apporached by three ghosts, or ghost-like figures.

The first ghost, our sources report, dealt with McMahon's misgivings in the past. "I heard lots of talking, which lasted a while" our source told. "They were talking for a long time about a club he used to run, something about ass kissing. Also, Beaver Cleavage was mentioned repeatedly, whatever that means."

"The second ghost was mostly about current stuff, you know, the present", continues our source. "There was a long conversation about Dolph Ziggler and Vince cried for a while, I think."

Finally, McMahon was seen running away from his home in a long night-gown and slippers. Some eyewitness accounts report seeing McMahon being chased by the ghost of former wrestler Chris Benoit. It is unknown at this time whether or not McMahon has fully recovered.